That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
