I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
