dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
