so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
