I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
