billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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