All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
