dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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