woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
