he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
