Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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