A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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