I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
