I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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