its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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