Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't deserve a penis
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
