So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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