dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
