On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
organizing the empties. That sober.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
