She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
