Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
