this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
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I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
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So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.