These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
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I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
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Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me