he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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