I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
