I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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