You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
