I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
