my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
