felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
