I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I smell stomach acid.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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