you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
