why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
