Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
