Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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