i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
