I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
