This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
