im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
