Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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