I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
