You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
