im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
