so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
