One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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