remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
