Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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