In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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