My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
