i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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