Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
