I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
