So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You may now shotgun with the bride
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
