I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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