her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
