I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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